Real Marriage Week 10 – Can We…..?

Tags

communication, Driscoll, Mark Driscoll, marriage, Real Marriage, Sex

[From Julie] This chapter deals with the many sexual questions and concerns that the Driscolls have faced over the course of their ministry.  Simply put, couples (Christian or not) often have serious issues when it comes to the sexual part of their relationship.  If you want a healthy relationship you need to develop a way to talk about what you do as part of your sex life.

The church has historically ignored any discussion or counsel regarding sex play in a marriage relationship.  Sex has been treated as a “necessary evil,” or at the very least, something that is not discussed in polite (read: moral) conversation. Churches rarely provide guidance for healthy sex practices within marriage. We don’t hear about sex from the pulpit (unless you go to my church!)  The truth is that a healthy sex relationship is playful and experimental when practiced within a biblical framework.

Here’s what I mean: God invented sex.  He invented it to be a blessing shared by a man and a woman within a covenant relationship. There are lots of choices in what you can do as part of that sex relationship.  How do you evaluate the choices that you have? Noel and I would encourage you and your spouse to read Chapter 10 and discuss what each of you think about the sexual choices listed there as well as what you may be interested in for your own marriage.

The Driscolls recommend evaluating your choices by considering 1 Cor 6:12 which says “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful.  All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”  Using this as the starting point the Driscolls have developed three questions that can be asked every time you are evaluating a choice; sexual or otherwise.  You aren’t going to find this specific technique in Scripture but it will help you put this biblical principle into practice.

The first question they ask is “Is it lawful?”  This might sound silly but you should start your thinking at this level.  A follower of Jesus wants to follow God’s direction and the rules of their country (Rom 13:1) so if what you and your spouse are thinking about doing is against the law, don’t do it!  If it isn’t against the laws of your country or God’s laws than you can move on to the next question.

“Is it helpful?”  Does this activity bring oneness to your relationship?  If it builds intimacy and enhances your relationship then great, have at it!  Sex should reinforce the unity and exclusivity of your relationship.  If one of you is uncomfortable or feels shame or pain or is just not emotionally ready then the activity is probably not helpful.  It doesn’t mean that it will remain so for the rest of your married life.  It just isn’t helpful right now.  If both of you are ready to try something new and you think it would be a fun and beneficial then move on to the next question.

“Is it enslaving?”  If you try something new but discover that you become more interested in the activity than your spouse, or you need this new experience to be interested in your spouse then you may be enslaved by it.  Some things may start out as a fun new experience together but as time goes on they become more and more consuming.  If this is happening then the activity is no longer helpful and could possibly be driving a wedge between the two of you.  The Driscolls use a few examples to illustrate the point.  For example if you are using sex toys in your lovemaking (all good) because you’ve decided that it could be beneficial but then you discover over time that you can’t be intimate without them, then this could be enslaving.  If you have decided that you would like to video tape your encounters together and both of you are fine with this idea but one of you has a past pornography addiction then this could lead you right back into that behaviour.  It’s good to be aware of what you are participating in or thinking about bringing into your bedroom.  You may need to evaluate experiences and activities more than once and leave room for each of you to change your mind about what you are participating in. And pray about it!  God wants your sex life within marriage to be a blessing to your marriage.  Pray and ask for guidance in how God can bless your marriage; even the sex part of your marriage!

I thought this was a helpful chapter.  I like the way the Driscolls suggest that couples should evaluate ideas and I think it will get you talking to each other if nothing else.  One valuable thing that the chapter brings to the forefront is, if you are planning to be married to the same person for a lifetime then you need to be open to trying new things and experimenting together.  Don’t just have sex.  Have exciting sex!  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  🙂

Click here for more from Real Marriage.

JW

Real Marriage Week 9: Selfish Lovers and Servant Lovers

Tags

Driscoll, Mark Driscoll, marriage, Marriage blog, Real Marriage, Servant Lover

[From Noel]
I think that this chapter of Real Marriage has more potential to improve your marriage than any other chapter. On our first time through the Peasant Princess sermon series at Mars Hill, Julie and I found the idea of being a servant lover to be a profound shift in the way we think about sex and marriage. We have written about this idea many times before and it continues to alter the way we treat each other.

The biggest obstacle to serving our spouse is pride. Driscoll says, “Without humility we simply cannot serve in an ongoing and loving manner.  The Bible says that pride is an enemy and that humility is a friend that allows us to live for God’s glory and thereby love and serve others rather than use and abuse them.” (p. 158)  Pride is the default mode of the human heart and marriage is intensive training in humility and service to another.

Julie has said, “You are your spouse’s only lover… You are the only one to fill that role. Do it well.  Become more thoughtful, caring, giving, and adventurous. Look for ways to serve each other in the bedroom. Discuss what you want to try and be open-minded.” (from our Week 6 discussion)

A covenant relationship is based on the idea of mutual submission.  In other words, a husband loves and leads his wife and his family well by putting their needs first.  When it comes to giving up rights and privileges, he goes first.  He sacrifices first, he apologizes first, he serves first. That’s what it means to be a Christ-like leader and servant of your family.  On the flip side, a wife loves her husband and her family best by putting their needs first. When both a husband and a wife serve each other, putting the needs of the other ahead of their own there is some sweeeeet fellowship (if you know what I mean :))

Where this breaks down is when you have one person serving and the other person insisting on being served. Two givers create a balanced and healthy marriage.  There is give and take.  Mistakes are made and forgiveness is granted and received. When you have a giver and taker however, that is not healthy.  That is abuse.

Statscan says that 43 percent of marriages are expected to end in divorce before the couple celebrates their 50th Anniversary.  While there are biblical grounds for divorce, selfishness, plain and simple, is the primary cause of marriage failure. The painful truth is that most marriages that end, end because one person or both refuses to address selfishness in the relationship.

Selfishness begins in childhood.  Parents who raise a child to think that they are the center of the universe are raising someone who will have great difficulty in marriage.  A child who is appeased and coddled their whole life will enter marriage thinking that their spouse will simply pick up where their parents left off. The honeymoon will be startlingly brief and some hard, difficult lessons will begin.  Those of us who are parents owe it to our kids to help prepare them for adulthood and marriage by training them to serve their families. Serving your siblings and parents is good preparation for adulthood and if they get married later in life, they will find service natural and your new son or daughter-in-law will thank you.

Driscoll quotes Mark 10:43 where Jesus says, “Whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant.” Jesus came to be a servant! If he didn’t feel entitled, you and I probably shouldn’t either.  Jesus is our Lord and Master but He is also our best example in how to love our spouse.

Click here for more from Real Marriage.

NCW

Real Marriage Week 8 – The Porn Path

Tags

communication, Driscoll, Mark Driscoll, marriage, porn, Real Marriage

[From Julie] Well, we’re back with the Real Marriage class this week after taking a summer break.  What a topic to start off with.  ‘Welcome back everyone.  Hope you had a great summer.  So, do you have a porn addiction problem that we can help you with?’  Okay, the conversation didn’t exactly go that way.
I don’t care who you are, talking about pornography and marriage on the first week back from holidays is like jumping into the deep end of the pool on the first day of swimming lessons.

We watched the Real Marriage video (Chapter 8) together as a group and then we split the class (guys and girls) for discussion.  The ladies had a good discussion and we had the opportunity to share perspectives and encourage each other.  I understand that the men also had good conversation, but I’ll let Noel elaborate on that.

Noel and I both wanted to bring this issue into the light with our church family.  There are few areas in life that are as dramatically different as pornography from a Christian point of view and a secular point of view.  If you ever hear someone at work or in non-church circles comment about pornography you will get a ‘no big deal’ kind of attitude.  On the other hand, within church circles you will get nothing… Crickets!  Church people don’t talk about porn at all.  Like it doesn’t exist.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  It seems that pornography is so taboo that it can’t even be discussed in polite company.  Neither one of these reactions is healthy.  With this class we were hoping to get couples talking to each other about the issue and provide some support if the couples discover a problem.

The statistics regarding pornography use are startling.  Frequently within a couple, you will find one partner with a porn problem and the other partner unaware of it.  This can be extremely damaging.  I encourage all of you to read chapter eight in the book and learn what is happening in the brain each time a person views porn.  It is concerning and if the statistics are to be believed, it is a massive problem for all marriages including Christian marriages.  Please take it seriously.  It’s not just a guy thing or something that can spice up your sex life or an issue that doesn’t hurt anyone.  It’s rewiring your brain and changing the way you see each other.

We had some important homework this week.  There was one question in particular that I thought was especially important.  “In what ways does Jesus give us hope in the face of sin and bondage – yours or someone else’s?  It’s important to keep this in mind as you start into this discussion together.  As a wife if you find out that your husband has a porn problem you need to start praying about it.  Pray for an appropriate response and pray for guidance as you work through this issue.  You need to be on your husband’s team.  Open the lines of communication and avoid judgement and shame.  Neither you or your husband are defined by this.  You aren’t the one who is going to fix this problem but you can be your husband’s partner in recovery.  If it is you that is dealing with a porn addiction then you need to be honest with yourself, your husband and most importantly with God.  Learn how to build a better intimate relationship with your partner.  You will draw closer together and be more satisfied.  Your connection to each other will be deeper and stronger if you rely on God’s plan.  He really does know what is best.  He really does want you to be happy and have a strong, fulfilling sex life.  He wants you to be connected to each other in a unique way and be drawn to each other in ways you are not drawn to anyone else.  That kind of connection is worth the effort.  Don’t allow anything to chip away at the foundation of your sex life.  Guard your marriage and value it above any kind of cheap thrill or promise of something new or exciting.  Nothing is as exciting as a couple who have eyes only for each other.

JW

Real Marriage Week 7 – Disgrace and Grace

Tags

forgiveness, healing, Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church, Real Marriage

[From Julie] At the end of June we dealt with the seventh video and chapter of the Real Marriage book (Sorry to take so long getting this up on the blog.  It’s been bananas around here lately!).  Our small group will be taking a break over the summer and then picking the video curriculum back up in the fall.  Admittedly this is not the best practice for small group cohesion but it seems to be the best option for our group at this point.  For those of you who are reading along with us feel free to continue with the book and watch for later posts in the fall.  I hope it’s been helpful for you thus far.

Chapter seven in the book deals with sexual assault and the issues that result from that experience.  It’s a trauma with long-lasting effects and Grace has been very open about her own road to recovery as she learned to deal with her past hurts.  Our group spent a lot of time discussing the issue of shame which is a common feeling surrounding victims of abuse.  Everyone has done something in their life which resulted in shame.  It is a common emotion that we can all identify with.  The difference is that abuse victims feel the shame of an action that they are not responsible for.  The  feeling of being dirty and unworthy is paramount in their lives and affects every relationship.

Part of the recovery process in Christian circles is learning to find new identity in Jesus.  We are loved not because we are worthy but because God says we are.  We are children of God not abuse victims, not lairs, nor thieves.  This is incredibly difficult to comprehend.  We are not what we do or what we experience at the hands of others but who God says we are.  Dearly beloved children whom Jesus loved enough to die for.

If you are an abuse victim you need to find help.  You need to surround yourself with patient, safe people who will protect and support you while you heal.  If you haven’t already, you need to find an abuse recovery program that will walk with you through the process and help you make sense of your reality.  If you are married to an abuse victim you need to learn all you can to help in this process.  You will need to learn to be supportive and very patient.  This is a process that will take years and in some ways will always be a part of your marriage however it can be a bonding experience as you demonstrate unconditional love to your partner.  Learn to ask helpful questions and find out where you can help along the way.  This is a recovery that in many ways has very little to do with you.  You are the support person while your spouse works through this with God. He has bound you together for this purpose.  Ask your spouse what you can pray about and then pray.  Make your relationship safe so that your spouse will feel that they can discuss the recovery process with you.  As you learn to move forward as a couple my prayer is that you will find deeper intimacy and freedom.  This is hard work perhaps the hardest you will ever have to do as a couple.  Hold onto the promises of God.  He will bring beauty from ashes.  He takes away all shame.  He holds you in the palm of His hand.  He sets the captives free.  He has a better future for you.

JW

Real Marriage Week Six – Sex: God, Gross, or Gift

Tags

Communcation, Conversation, Mark Driscoll, marriage, Real Marriage, Sex

[From Julie] This week marks the beginning of the second half of the book and starts the discussion of sex.  Strangely, our numbers were down this week.  🙂  I’m sure it has nothing to do with the topic we were set to discuss.  It was also Father’s Day and I don’t think you could find a better gift for your spouse than a little re-enactment of how he became a father in the first place.  Just sayin’ ladies that a little sex with your husband is much appreciated.  Just ask him.

Those of you who are reading the book along with our small group may have noticed that the book is divided into two sections (essentially).  The first half deals with your friendship and developing constructive patterns within your relationship.  The second half deals with the sexual intimacy component of your marriage.  The first half of the book is the foundation that makes a good and healthy sex life even possible.  During other marriage classes I’ve said that sex isn’t everything but it isn’t nothing either.  You may have noticed that when you are going through a stressful time as a couple your sex life isn’t as active.  It is often the first thing to go when you aren’t feeling as connected as you should.  When that happens sex becomes more of an issue usually because one or the other of you isn’t satisfied and the wedge between you gets deeper.  The goal for this small group is to get you talking about everything and that includes your sex life.  So now that you’ve started talking about your friendship and started ‘taking out your trash’, we can delve into the sex discussion.  Everybody ready?  Doesn’t matter we’re doing it anyway.  🙂

Chapter six is a good start to the many discussions about sex which you will hopefully be having with your spouse over the next few weeks.  Being able to identify how each of you views sex in general is a good idea. This chapter introduces the ways that sex is most commonly perceived.  It gives a framework and vocabulary to discuss this rather private topic with.  Often talking about sex is more intimate than actually participating in it.  Be brave with each other and let your partner hear what you think and listen with an open mind to what your partner shares with you.

We live in a culture that views sex as god.  Everything revolves around it.  You can sell anything with it and you can access it anywhere at anytime.  The porn industry is a monster both in the money it makes and in the damage it can cause.  Mark Driscoll quotes stats later in the book that say that people in the US spent more on porn last year than the total revenues of the pro football, basketball and baseball combined!  You have to make a conscious effort to keep your mind and thoughts focused on your spouse in the sex crazed culture that we live in.  The “sex as god” perspective idolizes sex and makes it something that it was never intended to be.

The idea that sex is gross is sometimes a response to the sex is god idea.  It is an over-reaction to our culture and often is perpetuated by parents trying to raise kids to have a more ‘Christian’ perspective.  It can also be a result of past abuse that has left the victim with a warped view of sex.  This ‘gross’ perspective is the idea that sex is for guys (because they have stronger desires) and making babies but not for enjoyment or any other reason so try to avoid it as much as possible.  It isn’t something that we talk about with others especially within Christian circles.  If you have questions or concerns than you need to figure them out by yourself.  This perspective reduces sex to simply a biological function.  It overlooks the true meaning of sexual intimacy.

When you view sex as a gift you recognize it as something to be received, enjoyed and valuable.  It was created by God for the benefit of marriages.  It is the part of your relationship that is unique and something that you share with only one person.  You are your spouse’s only lover.  Think about that for a minute.  You are the only one to fill that role.  Do it well.  Become more thoughtful, caring, giving and adventurous.  Look for ways to serve each other in the bedroom.  Discuss what you want to try to be open-minded.

The Driscolls discuss six benefits that sex provides when it is within the context of a loving marriage.  Sex is for pleasure, for children, oneness, knowledge, protection and comfort (p. 118-119).  That’s a lot of benefit for one aspect of your marriage.  It’s worth talking about and working through your issues for.  Start thinking of your sex life as a gift that is intended to benefit your marriage greatly.  Renew your mind and redeem your sex life.  Your biggest sex organ is your brain so it stands to reason that  “Thinking rightly about sex is essential to your enjoyment of sex.”

So this is it everyone.  Start talking it out.  For those of you in our small group, your homework is really valuable in getting these discussions started.  Share your thoughts, apologize if you need to, forgive when you need to and share your bodies with each other.  It’s meant to be enjoyable so have fun.

Real Marriage Week Five – Taking Out The Trash

Tags

Bitterness, forgiveness, Mark and Grace Driscoll, Mark Driscoll, marriage, Mars Hill Church, Real Marriage, Sin

[From Julie] For those of you who are attending our small group and for those who are following along with us on the blog, we encourage you to explore the concept for this week really thoroughly.   Make sure you read this chapter several times and discuss it with your spouse.  If you don’t have the book listen to (or watch) the sermon on the Mars Hill Website or you can check out the Peasant Princess lesson that deals with much of the same material.

The main idea that we discussed this week can make or break your marriage.  What do you do with the sin in your marriage?  You will hurt each other, act selfishly, and damage your relationship.  You are human and your spouse is human.  The two of you added together does not equal less pain and injury.  You can either chose to punish each other, hold grievances against each other and make your marriage a battle ground as you try to even the score or you can chose to forgive each other and let Jesus’ suffering on your behalf be enough to kill the sins in your marriage.  This is huge!

Please be a forgiving spouse.  It will change your marriage in a way that few things have the ability to.  In this chapter of the book the Driscolls define forgiveness in a very practical way that involves describing what forgiveness is not.  It’s good.  Definitely read it.  The one thing that defines forgiveness is loving despite sin.  Wanting good for your spouse and being able to pray for him/her and letting go of the perceived right to hold your spouse’s wrongs against them.  Forgiveness is incredibly hard and is only possible in the light of God’s love.  It is a lifestyle.  If you are married to a human being you will need to do a lot of forgiving.

When you chose not to forgive you open the door for bitterness.  Once bitterness takes root it affects everyone and everything around you.  Yes, you may have been wronged and your spouse may deserve your anger but when you chose the path of bitterness you allow that sin to overtake your life.  Your children pay for it as they grow up in the battlefield of your home, your friends pay for it while they listen to you and watch you become a toxic person.  You are not supportive of them or their marriages because all you can see is the negative.  Your job suffers, your health suffers and Satan wins the war he is waging on your marriage.  Don’t chose this path.  For those of you who are in this place, don’t stay there.  Seek help and start fixing things.  It is possible with God.  How else would a marriage ever be able to recover from an indiscretion, or an abuse, or an addiction issue, or a ground shaking lie.  We know people who have overcome these things and have a marriage that is stronger than it was before the blow up.  The truth is those couples did some hard work in recovery and rebuilding trust.  They made the decision everyday to forgive, to say no to bitterness and to frequently ask each other for forgiveness.

When you are a couple who is willing to ask each other for forgiveness you open the door for grace to take up residence in your everyday life.  You become more aware of how your actions and words affect your spouse.  You also start to see things through their eyes and realize that you mess up a lot.  When you know you mess up frequently and you are acknowledging that regularly you will be on the receiving end of a lot of forgiveness.  Something about being more aware of your own need for forgiveness makes you a more forgiving spouse.  You of course forgive your partner when they apologize because you are acutely aware of how much you need their forgiveness.  As a bonus, a forgiving spouse is also an encouraging spouse.  You recognize the effort your partner is putting into something that needs to be address and you comment on that.  If you show me a couple who apologizes to each other easily, I’ll show you a couple that encourages and supports each other in the areas that they struggle.  It will become second nature to work together as allies when you know each others deepest struggles and you know how badly your spouse wants to overcome those struggles.

Become a couple who embraces forgiveness and slams the door on bitterness.  This is a regular thing.  Just like the title of the chapter, take out your trash regularly before bitterness seeps in and stinks up the whole place.

Real Marriage Week Four – The Respectful Wife

Tags

Mark Driscoll, Real Marriage, Respect, wife

[From Julie] Last week we divided our Real Marriage small group again for discussion after we watched the video segment.  The ladies had a good time of sharing what it looks like to be a respectful wife.  In our discussion from last week a number of the wives identified that they were married to men that are more passive and laid back than they are.  This is a challenge for women who are driven and find leadership to be a natural ability for them.  Despite this fact God has placed our husbands as the leaders of our families and we are the respectful helpers.  That statement makes even me (someone who is not a natural leader and married to a man who is) bristle.  Being described as a helper makes me feel less valued and not as significant to my family.  As wives we need to guard against speaking and behaving in a disrespectful manner to our husbands even when we think they are doing things in a way we don’t agree with and our way would be better.

In this chapter of the book, Grace spends time defining what a Biblical helper is.  In our culture being the helper is viewed as a lesser role but that is not God’s intent.  We are equal in value to our husbands but we have different gifts and tasks within our marriage.  The Holy Spirit has been sent to us as our helper, God himself is described as our helper.  This is not a role to be diminished or minimized.  God designed marriage and created husbands and wives in a way that would compliment each other.  God has commanded husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands.  These are not a conditional statements.  Wives, God has asked us to respect our husbands regardless of their behaviour or their demonstration of love.

Grace spends time discussing heads, hearts and hands of respect.  I think it’s a good way to break down the components and helps us identify where we have the most difficulty in our own marriages.  Heads of respect deals with our minds and thoughts.  Once you start to discipline your mind into dwelling on your husbands most respectable attributes you will find it easier to think well of him and encourage him.

Hearts of respect recognizes that women often respond out of emotion.  Often our disrespectful words are spoken out of hurt feelings and we may not even mean them.  Grace quotes a Biblical counselor that says, “If my words don’t flow out of a heart that rests in God’s control, then they come out of a heart that seeks control, so I can get what I want.”  We need to use our words to pray for our husbands and help them, not try to control them.

Hands of respect talks about how to display respect in practical every day ways.  First of all have hands that pray for your husband and yourself for softened hearts and opened minds to the will of Christ in your marriage.  There is nothing like prayer to remind you that you are dependent on God for any change or strength in your marriage.  Hands that open the Bible also brings us closer to God and keep us connected to him.  Hands that touch reminds us of the need our husbands have for physical affection.  Be available to him.  Hands that hunt and fish encourages us to be unselfish and spend time doing things with our husbands that he enjoys.  Hands that feed recognizes the importance of informing yourself about nutrition and encourages us to spend time regularly enjoying good meals in order to build a strong friendship.

There is so much in this chapter and I encourage you all to read it several times.  It’s difficult to absorb and put into practice.  The segment dealing with how to disagree respectfully is very important to understand.  Learning to submit respectfully is equally important and often a misunderstood principle.  One point that stood out to me is that my husband gets to decide when he feels disrespected just as I get to decide when I feel unloved and we each need to honour each others feelings.  If Noel tells me that something I’ve said or done feels disrespectful I need to accept his feelings, apologize and work on how to change the way I am acting or speaking to him.  It’s not a time to argue my point or how I think he is wrong.  I need to trust him. This is part of learning to submit to each other.  I love what Grace says at the end of the chapter, “A wife flourishes with a loving husband and a husband becomes courageous with a respectful wife.”  Amen to that.

Real Marriage Week Three – Men and Marriage Part 2

Tags

Mark and Grace Driscoll, Mark Driscoll, marriage, Mars Hill Church, Men, Men and Marriage, Real Marriage

[From Julie] As Noel mentioned in his post, we divided the class into husbands and wives for our discussion this week.  The ladies had an interesting conversation.  We were blessed to have wives at many different stages in their marriage journey which was helpful as we learn from each other.  The goal of the women’s discussion was to talk about supporting our husbands as they develop their ability to lead our families.

We talked about being an encourager when our husbands are struggling with their leadership role.  We shared some practical ways to help build on the abilities our spouses already demonstrate.  Communication is key and finding the words to express how it feels as a wife when the role of head has been left for us to fill.  We discussed the idea in the book of tough and tender husbands and the amount of effort it takes for a man to find the balance between the two.  Always being thankful and forgiving is paramount for both spouses.  We spend some time at the end of our class in prayer for our husbands.  Every woman in the room brought their man before God in prayer!  Husbands, you need to know how important you are to your wife and how much she values your leadership.  You have been lovingly brought before your creator by the person who has given herself to you for the rest of her life.  Your wife wants you to be led by God as you lead your family and she is praying for you.  That’s powerful.

I love the homework for wives for this week.  The questions are a great spring-board into some really meaningful worthwhile conversations.  It’s an opportunity to share your heart with your spouse and I encourage everyone in the class to make the extra effort this week to get the homework done.  I love the idea of sharing what you most appreciate about your husband.  Think about that question and don’t just write it down, tell him what you think.  Tell him how it makes you feel when he is leading your family well.  Make loving suggestions on where you need him to take a more active leadership role.  Don’t take over and don’t demean his efforts.  Encourage and support him.  He will do things differently than you would but if you want him to lead then you have to follow.  The questions this week can make a huge difference in the direction of your marriage.  Don’t forget to pray for your husband as he absorbs this very important chapter of the book and starts to make changes.  The Holy Spirit is at work here and God can change even the most passive of men or the most hard-hearted of men into the reflection of Jesus.

Real Marriage Week Three: Men and Marriage

Tags

Mark and Grace Driscoll, Mark Driscoll, Real Marriage, Submission

[From Noel] This week in our Real Marriage class, after watching the video we divided into two groups: husbands and wives.  Julie will write later this week about her experience with the ladies and I’ll share my thoughts about our conversation as guys.

We had a really good talk about the nature of male spiritual leadership in the house.  Mark Driscoll refers frequently to Eph 5:21-33 in Real Marriage and it goes without saying that a text that calls for women to submit to their husbands is outrageously unpopular in our culture.  Context is key to understanding what Paul is saying here: Here are a few observations that are each worth a blog post on their own:

1.  This text is referring to husbands and wives and their relationship in light of their mutual submission to God.  (read v. 21 very carefully.  v. 22 and v. 25 are subordinate clauses that depend on v. 21 to have any grammatical meaning).  This verse is not talking about women and men in general.

2.  “Submit to one another…” is an imperative command.  It is not a suggestion.  These are tough words.

3.  Verse 22 is not suggesting that husbands be spiritual heads, it is stating a fact.  The verb is indicative.  The questions for the guys is not whether you are a spiritual head in your household or not.  It is not an encouragement to be a spiritual head.  It is saying that you are the head.  The question is are you an effective head or not.  Are you serving as the guarantor of your marriage covenant or have you left this unguarded.

4. Many women find v. 22,  “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…” a difficult thing to stomach but guys, you ought to find v. 25 an even more challenging statement: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is a man who willing accepted a beating rather than see his bride abandoned.  He drowned in his own blood, asphyxiated on a cross.

What all this means is that as the spiritual head of your family,  You go first: you serve first, you apologize first, you forgive first.  Men were meant to initiate – not just when it comes to sex – but initiate in showing consideration, initiate in ensuring we are being responsive to the needs of our family.  We ought to be first to be compassion, first to defer to the other, first in taking care of chronic issues around the house.  If your wife has expressed a desire for you to engage in some way MAN UP AND DO IT. Then a couple weeks later check in and see if things are better. This should read like a rebuke guys: We need to love our wives better than we  have.

We are meant to lead like Jesus and Paul describes what that looks like in Phil 2:6.  Jesus never uses his position for his own advantage so men who are the spiritual heads of their households do not live like dictators (on one extreme) and they don’t lay there passively reacting like a passive aggressive roommate.

If time is tight make sure to read p. 54-56 where Mark talks about every husband serving as the guarantor of the marriage covenant.  This is some great stuff.  I think I found my Father’s Day sermon.

Many of the guys in the class made the observation that a husband who loves like Jesus would be a husband a wife would love to live in submission to.  There is nothing demeaning about someone placing themselves under the authority of someone who loves them like Jesus does. That is what a healthy marriage is.  Two different people loving each other more than they love themselves.

Real Marriage Week Two – Friend with Benefits

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Mark Driscoll, Real Marriage, Tintern Church of Christ

[From Noel] We had a great week in our small group this past Sunday as we discussed the friendship element of our marriages (Chapter 2 of the book Real Marriage).  This is one of the big ideas in the book and the Driscolls do a good job of examining the role of being a good friend to your spouse.  Marriage often starts out as a journey between friends but it can easily get off track as outside pressures start to take their toll.  The key is to make your friendship a priority through out your marriage.

Julie surprised me with her post last week.  I really wasn’t aware of the depth of discomfort she was experiencing.  I knew we weren’t clicking like we typically do; these things usually work themselves out but I wasn’t aware of how out of step she felt.

Chapter 2 was just what we needed to hear last week.  Mark Driscoll talks about marriages that can be described as “back to back,” where each person has “turned their back on the marriage.” When a marriage is in a “back to back” rut things are not good at all.  Each person in the marriage is directing all their energy outside the marriage.  Effectively they are both saying, “We are done working on it, done talking about it.”  In this kind of marriage bitterness is building and often it takes having a third party step in and broker a attempt at establishing peace.  Mark says more about this in Chapter 5 (my favourite chapter). If things are in a bad way, you might be living life “back to back.”

Another phase of married life is the, “shoulder to shoulder,” phase.  You and your spouse are in solidarity, focused on the same thing.  All your energy is focused on the task at hand.  No matter what, some of your married life needs to be spent in this groove.  If you are both working and covering child care yourself you are in a “shoulder to shoulder,” phase.  What I really appreciated out of chapter 2 was the realization that all marriages spend time in this phase but you need to attend to other phases of your marriage at the same time.  When you are shoulder to shoulder with your spouse, you are not fighting, there isn’t necessary any unaddressed conflict, but while you’re “gettin’ ‘er done,” you aren’t likely tending to the friendship that you share with your spouse.  Mark calls the friendship phase of a marriage, “face to face.”

What I heard in Julie’s post last week was, “We are working side by side by I am not experiencing any “face to face” time.  I was so busy getting things done (both with Julie and on my own) that I wasn’t tending the friendship in our marriage very well at all.  We were like coworkers who sleep together.  It’s important to understand that the “face to face,” phase of a marriage doesn’t literally require time spent in physical proximity, It requires spending time and energy focused on the friendship within the marriage. Spending time with your spouse is important (don’t get me wrong).  The problem is you can spend time together and not spend time tending to the friendship in your marriage.

The trick is that Men and Women do friendship differently.  Women tend to experience friendship through conversation and guys tend to experience friendship through activity.  Last month Julie and I spent a couple of days in Washington.  We did lots of fun stuff together; I thought we were reconnecting, it was good.  But I was talked out.  We spent two and a half days in constant proximity to each other but we spent very little energy as friends.  Instead we were physically intimate tourists.

A healthy marriage spends time working side by side but also takes time to experience friendship; both in conversation and in activity.  The “face to face” phase of your marriage